Why To Forgive?

Micchāmi Dukkaḍaṃ My Friend!

Welcome to a new HEAL nugget! And to a controversial topics. That is to understand the significance of this word itself- Forgiveness. While to many of us it may seem like a weakness or an excuse we give ourselves when we're unable to fight, there is so much depth to this simple word . So let's explore in this nugget. But first we must ask, why should I even care to understand forgiveness? What good does it do? For the scientific inquirers in us, it may surprise you to know that the capacity to forgive has been correlated with all sorts of physical and mental benefits. From improved heart health to reduced stress to a stronger immune system to reduced risk of depression. If forgiveness were being sold as a dietary article, it would be quite the superfood! Wait what, how can forgiveness and health be related? Think of a grudge that you hold against yourself. It may be something you may have done in the past which was immoral or unwise or even plain, foolish. If you think about that event or situation for long enough you'll realize there's an emotion you experience. One that is not pleasant. The more you keep thinking about that thought, the longer you bathe in the hormonal toxicity. What's worse is that even if you find a way to not think about the event, it still is in your memory bank - ready to be retrieved to bring you the same emotional discomfort. This becomes a habit after a while where the lack of forgiveness starts to come to us very easily. And along with it, comes our body's unhealthy physiological response. A response that damages our vital organs and our mental health alike.

Forgiving myself is still okay but should I forgive those who've done me wrong? Surely, I shouldn't! At the risk of provoking disdain, let me propose that, "YES ABSOLUTELY". For one, because your health matters. Why would you want to keep 'killing yourself' over someone who has already done you no good? Even more importantly however, there's another reason to forgive - keeping a grudge does very little that is constructive. One may argue that the presence of that emotion prevents you from staying wary of that person. But you can bring that commitment to yourself without needing that negative feeling too right? One can have good riddance from someone both physically and emotionally. Forgiveness therefore is not about forgetting what has been done but rather releasing yourself from carrying the baggage that the other person has left you with. As a famous quote goes, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." For that is when you've truly let go of that person.

I'm still not convinced though. Keeping the grudge somehow feels right! You're not alone. Even if we intellectually know that forgiving may benefit us, it feels impossible to do so. Why? Evolutionarily, we are habitual of being wary of danger from people. So whenever our neanderthal forefathers sensed a threatening gesture from someone in their environment, they knew that it could turn out to be potentially deadly. Which is why unless they had dealt with the grudge they couldn't be at peace. Unfortunately, we use the very same circuitry when a colleague passes a snide remark or criticizes us in a meeting. Our neanderthal brains react as though the colleague is a death threat. Which is exactly why we must find a way to learn 'forgiveness'. For in the 21st century the biggest death threat is habitual hormonal self-destruction.

So how to practice becoming more Forgiving? While there are many ways to initiate this, here are 2 short ways:

1. Forgiveness Meditation: To inculcate forgiveness we first need to bring our thoughts in our control and direct them to forgiving. Or else, without awareness, we'll keep wallowing in thoughts of 'grudging', without control. This control is something that happens only with practice. Here's a Short Practice on Forgiveness that you may explore.
   

2. Forgiveness Letter: While this may sound more difficult and pretentious, this is one of the leading ways people build forgiveness. Every time you develop a grudge with yourself, just take a paper and write down all the details of the event and how you feel. And then, knowing that what happened may have occurred because of your relative inexperience, naivety, foolishness or lack of maturity vis-à-vis who you are today, just write that you forgive yourself. Even if it sounds too unrealistic, try it once!

As we end this nugget, I hope you gradually start to come out of the compulsiveness of holding a grudge and experience the freedom that comes with forgiveness. For in that freedom, is health and happiness. :) Shishir Arya